SYRIAN OR RUSSIAN

Hamsters. What is it with hamsters? As a carrot to Ginger and Blondie we said if their reading reached the national average set by whatever curious body of people set such things, we would buy them a hamster each. To our joy* they punched straight through the paper ceiling of bookishness and got the gold star of reading (not to be confused with The Goldstar of Reading, who appear to be and accountancy firm).

This little fellow looks happy. I imagine his name to be Happy the Hamster 

So, the seemingly straightforward task of getting a hamster each for them began. Our beloved friends and neighbours dutifully handed over some old cages, a little too swiftly and with a glint in their eyes that suggested that, not so far from the surface, was utter joy that they will never ever have hamsters in their home again.

The cages are much like this. A kind of french hamster architectural utopia

We got online, the digital gateway of the expectorant hamster owning child. So many different breeds. I just want one - I haven't got time to read about all of them, and besides they all looked a bit too rabid in each picture and all had far too many bad points whilst pretending to be a 'perfect family pet'. This I now know is a lie. Somewhere there are a team of hamsters tap dancing on keyboards propagating lies about their suitability for ownership. They are rodents. In every country they come from they are treated as pestilence. It would be like the UK exporting sewer rats under the guise that 'not only are they fun additions to the household, they can wash up for you too.'

  

Next step was the lazy one, let’s just go to the giant pet supermarket and get them off the shelf, swipe their little bar-coded behinds across the till and get them home. Oh no! This is a big mistake. Always buy locally - support your local pet store, we believe in this so we did this. Upon entry to the local pet store we are greeted by grinning pet shop owners proudly boasting they have no pets for sale. I understand the reasons behind this, it would be cruel to keep puppies and cats and the like in a shop every day and night with the hope that they don't pass their sell by date before purchase. Although I have always romanticised about the kind of Orphan Annie like existence of pets in a pet shop, where a little teary eyed pug gimps up to you and says in its little puggy voice, 'buy me, I'm lovelier than the rest of them here.'

A pug that looks like Annie - who knew!

I digress. We ask, what are the best hamsters to buy? Well there are several different breeds they respond (we know this) and not all are suitable for families (we also know this) I had a Syrian hamster that was lovely, then had a Syrian hamster that wasn't so lovely, also Russian ones can be a bit tricky but the one I had was very loving (I don't need your back story - I am actually not interested - I want to know what hamster to buy for the two girls stood next to me).

Nobody at this point had said 'buy a Golden Hamster' which it turns out is the one we need. Anyway, we suggested that maybe we could just go to the pet superstore and get them there as the shop didn't have any. 'NOOOOOOOOOO! Don't do that!' screams the lady in the local pet shop. I expected this - it is competition after all. But did you know the following reasons for not buying them from a bigger shop?

• They are all bred from laboratory hamsters
• They all have nicotine habits that you couldn't possible afford to support
• Some are crack addicts
• Most have tumours due to the nicotine and crack habits
• They are very nervous and not easily handled due to their addictions
• They will probably die within 2 months of getting them home (I won't lie, I saw this as a plus)
• Your children won't be able to create and emotional bond with them (this again was a plus)
• Most of all they are the, albeit short, living embodiment of pet consumerism

Busking hamsters. They have to get the cash to feed their addictions from somewhere

  

This last point, well yes under any other circumstance, I wholeheartedly embrace. It is just the fact that I would be buying a recognised pest and be bringing it into my home that I find it hard to care.

  

So, phase two. Where can we buy a hamster then? This is where it all got a bit sinister. 'I have a couple of numbers for you to call' says the pet shop lady. Oh, OK, this seems normal.

  

Pet shop Owner: The first one is a lady who sells Russian hamsters.
Us: OK, what’s the number? Are Russians good for kids?
PO: Some are (instantly cagier than before)
Us: Well what is the number?
PO: (scribbles it on a piece of paper, slides it across the counter) Don't say I gave it to you.
Us: (ALARM BELLS)
PO: She gets funny about selling them. Well not funny, but she won't let you come to her house to buy them.
Us: Isn't that the point of not buying from a pet shop? So you can see the habitat they have been raised in.
PO: Well, yes. But she is a bit funny. She will give you a false name and agree to meet you somewhere, like a car park.
Us: Seriously?
PO: Yes, she is a bit funny.
Us: A bit funny?! We are not buying knock off Russian hamsters off some shady character that gives false names and meets you in a car park! What the hell are you trying to push us into? Is there anybody else who sells hamsters?
PO: Yeah there is a guy sells Syrians. (writes number on paper - slides it over to us)
Us: Is he normal?
PO: (pause) You don’t want Syrian hamsters, they won't be good for you.

There was a reason she wouldn't give her real name
This is the kind of Russian hamster she peddles (allegedly. I have no idea really)

We left the shop. We still don't have any hamsters. We have promised them after we get back from holiday. On this holiday I will drop little stories about children who were eaten alive by their pet hamsters, it may help.

Look kids, this is what a hamster looks like at night. Are you sure you still want one?

*secretly wished they had under-achieved on this particular scholastic task now.