We all hate queuing don’t we? But we hold it up as one of those eccentric bastions of Britishness that make us the proud nation we are, like knotted handkerchiefs, sitting on a beach in the rain forcing ourselves to enjoy it because, ‘we are on holiday’ and Yorkshire Puddings, those joyous puffy dishes of cholesterol designed to hold gravy and not really go with any kind of food whatsoever. Which reminds me; food value, a common debate in our house is the comparative value of food on a plate. (I will get back to queuing later – as this blog has now turned into food value).
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| a recent queue for an Apple something. |
Breakfast Food Value.
It would be a strange family where everyone liked the same food. So, when sat in a café or hotel and breakfast is being served – more to the point a Full English – there are items that some people won’t eat. My wife won’t eat eggs or mushrooms; I am not so keen on tomatoes and can survive without beans. But are these four foodstuffs all of equal value?
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This is what happens to food when it is not exchanged by the correct rules.
Do you want to be responsible for this? Do you? DO YOU?! |
In her mind an egg is equal to a rasher of bacon – but no – meat is instantly elevated to its own food value category. This is based on volume and weight. A sausage is equal to two rashers, this is food fact. So what is an egg equal to? Maybe two tomatoes – but only when scrambled, a single fried egg is only equal only to one. I am happy to concede a scoop of beans to a scoop of mushrooms – this seems a fair trade. Fried bread is not equal to a hash brown – a fried egg and fried bread is equal to a hash brown – or some beans and mushrooms combined. Here is the matrix of food bargaining that is available at breakfast:
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I was surprised to find this was the first image
on Google under sausage. You Googlers are a filthy bunch. |
The Breakfast Matrix:
Sausage = X2 bacon or X bacon + scrambled egg + mushrooms
Bacon = X1 small sausage or a hash brown and X1 fried egg
Egg (scrambled) = X2 tomatoes
Egg (fried) = X1 tomato
Hash Brown = X1 fried bread + X1 fried egg or X1 fried bread + either mushrooms or beans
Baked Beans = X1 scoop of mushrooms or X1 tomato
Mushrooms = X1 scoop of beans or X1 tomato
Tomato = X1 scoop of beans or X1 scoop of mushrooms
Black Pudding = nothing – never swap your Black Pudding.
Lunch/Tea/Supper/Dinner Food Value.
With breakfast out of the way – let us turn our attention to lunch/tea/supper/dinner (read the meal name as per your class). Meat doesn’t come into food value in these meals as you would be a fool to order a meal featuring as its primary constituent part a foodstuff that you were compelled to swap. However, vegetables and their gourmet colleagues can be a minefield. Roast potatoes are often the cause of more marriage break-ups than nay other food. This is simply because each person does not have a shared perspective of their high value. Is a roast potato worth a slop of spinach? Of course not! Roasts can only be exchanged for three things ever; a Yorkshire Pudding (although whether this is one or two is a very fluid negotiation that needs to be entered into at the time of bidding), a generous scoop of mash, and very posh fries. It is a foolish man/woman who ever tries to take this food value to any other area. The Yorkshire Pudding is slightly more transient, it can be offered up to combinations of vegetables, but may only be exchanged prior to application of gravy, a Yorkshire Pudding daubed in meat sauce will negate any deal, be warned. The rest of your plate is a simple bargaining process based on weights and measures – all legumes share an Orwellian egalitarianism, except cauliflower cheese. Here is your crib sheet on main meal value:
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| Some people who were foolish enough to enter into food negotiations blindly |
The Lunch/Tea/Supper/Dinner Matrix
Roast potatoes = X1 (or X2 dependent on girth) Yorkshire Puddings or X1 entire single serving of mash or half a single serving of posh fries
Yorkshire Puddings = X1 roast potato (or X2 dependent on girth) or X1 entire single serving of mash or half a single serving of posh fries
Mash potato = X1 roast potato or X1 (or X2 dependent on girth) Yorkshire Puddings or half a single serving of posh fries
Posh Fries (only ever exchange half a serving = X1 (or X2 dependent on girth) Yorkshire Puddings or X1 entire single serving of mash
Cauliflower Cheese = X1 small roast potato or half a serving of mash or a quarter of a serving of posh fries
Cauliflower = all vegetables are equal
Carrots = all vegetables are equal
Peas = all vegetables are equal
Spinach = all vegetables are equal
Leaks = all vegetables are equal
Asparagus = all vegetables are equal
Broccoli = all vegetables are equal
Sprouts = all vegetables are equal
Cabbage = all vegetables are equal
Parsnips = all vegetables are equal
This list is seemingly endless so apply all the rule you have learned here to all other vegetables – although I would be happy to hear from you about anomalies as this help prove the rule.
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The prize. The Irish have always known the true value of the potato.
My granny once gave me a meal with four different types of potato. Happy times. |
I have only covered tradition British eating here – there is a more complex matrix that needs to be applied when entering the realms of French Haute Cuisine and Mediterranean foods, as there are very important considerations such as is a sun blushed tomato of equal value to a sun dried tomato? (This is something that Plato attempted to tackle and failed). Also is a terrine equal to a seafood mousse? But these I will deal with on another day – as you must learn to walk before you can swap with confidence.
Please feel free to add your own Food Values, they may be wrong, but I am happy to consider them.
