I WANT THE BODY OF AN OLD MAN

Regular readers of my tweets will have noticed that from moment to moment I get preoccupied with my age. I am not by any stretch of the imagination elderly or even approaching elderly, but one thing has started to bother me. Hollywood men and their film ages. Harrison Ford was my current age (plus some) when he made Raiders. I would be happy to have his body in The Last Crusade at this moment in time. George Clooney is over a decade older than me - yet his body in The American is quite astonishing. Brad Pitt is closer to may age, but lets face it - I can never compete with that. And Clint Eastwood - well he was born old. And he still has a freakin body that forces me to pop a t-shirt on when I am round the pool in his company. (this seems to happen far less frequently than I expected it to).

Women naturally compete with images of the Jolie (it is law that both sexes must find her attractive), the Bellucci, the Hayek etc etc etc (yawn). But is there ever a consideration for the poor man sat next to you as you dribble at the sight of Jason Isaacs tattooed arms (you know who you are) or caress your tumbler of wine absent mindedly when Wolverine accidentally rips his shirt off with his clumsy metal paws. We know you are sitting there thinking, 'Hang on, he is at least a decade older than you, what is going on?'

One word, Parenthood and the 90s (OK that is three words two numbers and a letter - but say it really quickly and it is one word). Throughout the 90s us men, in the young flush of courting and wooing were told that what women want is a soft man, soft of thought and soft of flesh. Vast swathes of men leaped at this - we worked our bodies hard to achieve this perfection that women sought. We snared, we begat, we nurtured our begatlings. Only now are we all learning that in actual fact, the soft thing, it's not so much a big deal, in fact we were kind of lucky. The Clooney thing, aged man with body of teenager - that's the thing.

George Clooney aged 109

So with a weary self-awareness we sink deeper into our sofas, covering ourselves with cushions, thinking in one global thought. Shit, I never saw this coming.

Me aged 37.

I am no slouch, I exercise. But these bloody aged actors are making it exceptionally difficult for the ordinary young man.


Pah! Back to the press-ups.