BEING NICE OR NOT (ANYMORE)

I am going to give up being nice to people. Generally I am a nice person, sure I will cut you down to your ankles with a barbed comment if I feel I have to, but on balance I enjoy helping a fellow human in a moment of strife. Don’t get me wrong, I am not about to re-mortgage my house and give the money to a leading charity, I am talking about the small things here, the things that don’t take me out of my way, a door held open for someone who looks as though they might need it, a smile to a stranger who looks really forlorn but also happens to be staring intently at me, a gentle reminder that an item of clothing is about to be left on a train. Those kinds of things. I am not about to save the planet with them and I am certainly not going to change somebody’s life with this generosity of spirit, but, until now, continue to do them I have (that sounded a bit like Yoda, sorry. He was quite a nice person too. I am not saying I am nice, although I am, that is for others to decide, oh hell now I sound like a politician, they are not nice, well some of them are I am sure, but they are not known for it. I’ll stop typing for a moment)….

This is Yoda. I am a little bit taller, less old looking, and not so green in complexion

I am not seeking thanks for any of these acts, although a cheeky wink or a nod of acknowledgement is always lovely. I am pre-programmed to do these gargantuan benevolent deeds, striding the planet like a Colossus of good will, because that is how I was brought up. As most of you are I am sure.

This is Colossus (of Rhodes - if you want his full address)
Again I am not as old or green. I am actually this tall though.

This morning however, I did all of the aforementioned acts and one by one was faced with unprecedented curmudgeon. This has shaken me to my core of reasonableness. Let me take you (by the hand and lead you through the streets of London, sorry, again. I am not focusing enough today) through these bizarre events.


Episode I (train)

(Train pulls into station, man gets up sorts him self out, I do the same. I notice he has left his jacket on the shelf, he is clearly about to leave the carriage)

Me: Excuse me, hello, I think you may have left your jacket behind.
Man: No I haven’t. (barked)
Me: Oh sorry, I thought it was yours.
Man: It is mine, I haven’t left behind (he is on the platform and I am on the train, I’ll let you decide. He also barked this at me)
Me: Oh OK (puts jacket back on shelf)
Man: For fucks sake (pushes by to collect jacket, pushes by me again to alight train)


Episode II (street)

Me: (ambling along, note person walking towards me is just plain staring at me. I smile in a friendly ‘How Do You Do’ kind of way)
Streetwalker*: WHAT?! (then they suck their teeth at me, mutter something and walk on)

* I am not suggesting they were a prostitute – just someone walking along the street


Episode III (door)

Me: (sees person - I shall not genderise this moment – both hands full making way towards the door I am using. They have a small way to go, I think ‘I have got the time to be nice, I can wait. Adopts nonchalant door holding pose so as not to harass ‘person’)
Non Gender Specific Person: (Literally shouts at me) I CAN OPEN A DOOR FOR MYSELF, I AM NOT A CRIPPLED WOMAN. (darn it, let gender out of the bag)
Me: Oh.. um… I was just being nice.
NGSP: REALLY?! I DOUBT THAT. (pushed out onto street)


So. In short, you three miserable bastards that I met today have just ruined it for everyone.