Why is Santa everywhere this time of year? Stop! Don’t say
what you are about to say. Sure it is ‘his moment’ and he ‘owns Christmas’ and
yes he should be doing the odd public appearance – but really the guy is on deadline.
If my boss saw me gallivanting in a shameless self-promotional charabanc across
the globe when in actual fact I had to deliver – in all senses of the word – I would
be out of the door quicker than you could say ‘Santa Claus is coming to town,
again and again and will be appearing in person at various locations doing a
variety of odd things....’
Who wins from this proliferation of public appearances? Surely
nobody is paying Santa for these impromptu yet carefully scheduled pop-ups as
we all know that he is a genuinely philanthropic individual. Also maybe he is a
registered charity whose business cannot be bought in such a way and, besides,
he is a pretty straight up and down fella who, if you attempted to give him
cash, would certainly say ‘Ho ho ho – you don’t need to do that I have been ‘owning
Christmas from the goodness of my heart for centuries.’ From a capitalist perspective
I have never witnessed Santa opening the London Stock exchange and thought ‘Ooh
I must buy some shares’ or watched him bungee jump from a bridge in Middle
Earth and thought 'Ooh I must go to New Zealand'. His being as a money spinner
for other ruptures the very core of the Santa brand. And that brand is
benevolent old man who does good things for kids. Which is a brand, I think you
will agree, that needs protecting given recent developments.
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| Santa, all this dashing around is making you a little ruddy. Have you had your cholesterol checked lately? |
This week alone Santa has appeared in Hungary getting a flu
jab (I guess he is in the high risk category), cuddling lions at a safari park
(this is a little too high risk this close the big night), numerous appearances
around many capital cities on public transport either talking absolute drunken
rot or throwing up (you need to up your game a bit here Santa – you are a
brand that is respected), Reindeer racing in many Scandinavian countries (Santa this is blatant
cheating - one world in one night by reindeer and they even let you submit an
entry form?), numerous simultaneous incarcerations in Asian prisons (I hope you
have a good lawyer, tick-tock tick-tock – it took Andy Dufresne 20 years to
tunnel out of Shawshank – you have.. like.. just over a week), then there is the abseiling, the
skinny-dipping, the obligatory Santa Mankini appearance on Bondai, the slow
moving procession round the streets of the UK on the back of a crappy looking
van with numerous Rotary Clubs appearances, Santa getting married, Santa doing
a marathon, Santa selling the Big Issue (who are you kidding Santa – the North
Pole is your address, use it), Santa driving buses, Santa skateboarding, Santa
turning on Obama’s Christmas tree lights (Hey Santa! He is the President of
America – he’s got people who can do that shit for him!), Santa Scuba diving, Santa
on several roller coasters, Santa surfing, Santa on the front line with troops (I
appreciate the message of peace here Santa – but your brand palette is red –
nobody’s troops are engaged in an area where red works as camouflage!), Santa
sat forlornly in every department store in the world smelling slightly of dust
and children’s sick – basically Santa you are doing too much!
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| NO! THIS SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED! |
If you contrast this with the popular belief that nobody
actually sees Santa deliver the presents, all we are left with is reindeer poo
on the front doorstep, sooty footprints (that are not all that easy to clean
up) and some half eaten food – you wonder what Santa is trying to do here. He
is humility personified surely? He doesn’t go out there giving it the Big I AM,
he isn't The Lord Sugar or the other guy in the states with the datf hair, he quietly reads letters checks up on the iffy kids – packages and delivers
with all efficiency of a tax paying benevolent Amazon.
| I found this on the ES site under 'Before They Were Famous' |
So my point is. Santa stop it with public appearances. Much
like our politicians, it is sometimes better to be out of sight as it demonstrates
you are doing the job you have been selected for. Stop getting in my Christmas
media grill at every opportunity, not only are you damaging your brand you are also
making my kids doubt your sincerity and you know what happens to fairies when kids stop believing.
I only want to see evidence of you on Christmas Eve.
Happy Christmas though!
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| Clear up after yourself Santa - or get one of your elves to finish your food |
